jesse

today at the ymca i was lifting weights. i looked up and there was a high school kid who reminded me so much of my brother jesse. it was so hard to see him. he had a runner's body and a determined look on his face. i miss my brother so much. i miss all the things about him. i miss his presence. i miss his jokes and commentary. i miss his sensitivity and his choice of words. i miss his exuberance for life and people. i miss his love for his family and our children. i miss eating with him and cooking for him. i miss his homemade cookies. i miss watching movies with him and laughing about things with him. i miss his affection. i miss his presence with my parents.

i was remembering when i found out that he only had 3 weeks to live. i came and sat down on the couch with him and i just said i don't want you to die. what am i going to do if you die? i could see that he wanted to make it better for me. but i knew... i knew that he wanted to be with jesus. i knew that he was looking for the end to his suffering and a beginning of the Greater Story. so what am i doing now, that my dear sweet baby brother has gone on to be with Jesus? i miss him. sometimes i don't cry for weeks. other times everything reminds me of him. i weep for my dear parents and my two other brothers. i weep for all the "could haves" like him graduating from my alma mater VES. (that was 2 weeks ago that he would have been graduating). i weep b/c ransom (who looks like jesse) will never know him (until he reaches heaven). i weep b/c my brother dwight lost his best friend.

remember esther - a blink of an eye...

Summer Time

its been such a nice few weeks here in southern new england. aquidneck island is gorgeous. i will be posting some pictures from around town and our home to showcase the flora which abounds. spring and summer are looking so short and i still remember and can feel the chill of the dark, damp, frigid winter. but i am trying to just take in each day. we don't always have hot days. right now its foggy and a bit damp. but i like hearing the fog horns, which warn sailors. i love hearing the church bells of st. john the evangelist over on the Point. i love knowing that we are so close to the sea. newport truly is a wonderful place to live.

my folks came up last weekend and my mom and i went to chaves' nursery. they treated us to a bunch of herbs and flowers for our container garden. so the other day i did a bunch of weeding (which i am still sore from!) and planted the tomatos and the pumpkins. i also planted all the flowers and herbs in pots. my neighbhor annie sent over too pots she had beautifully filled. those are sitting on our front porch. i plan on doing more weeding and more planting soon, maybe when we have a little extra money. i truly love being outside and making progress in my garden. i know i need to get some of poet lucy shaw's work b/c she has written on gardening and knowing God and the relationship between the Creator and his creation.

we have several birthday parties coming up this weekend - one is even at the easton's beach carousel. the kids and i are really enjoying the friendships we are making through our mom's club play group. the lord is so good to provide for us. we went to roger william's zoo this past thursday with several moms. it was so so much fun. but i do miss the san diego zoo. i could take a vacation in the zoo. i also miss balboa park fountain and the prado.

i want to go to the beach soon but we'll have to wait for some warmer weather. i am also excited about berry picking and more newport cultural activities. the tall ships are coming soon!!!

a beautiful day, a beautiful attitude

this is the day that the lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it.

its gorgeous outside. its that kind of sun that beams through every window and screams I LOVE GOD, HE MADE ME AND I AM HIS!!! the sky is a crystal blue, the new leaves on the trees are my favorite green and the daffodils near our home are a sea of yellow tea and saucers. did i mention the birdies are singing?

today i woke up around 5:30am with ransom. poor guy's diapers leak b/c he has outgrown size 3's. so i decided after getting him dry and feeding him that i would just get a little quiet time in with Jesus before the troops woke up. the subject today for the bible study i go to at first presbyterian is on submission as wives to our husbands. i know that a lot of people have trouble with this word. the study had us read from phil. 2:5-16 and asked us to define attitude. then asked what attitude Christ exemplified. something that jumped out at me was Christ's complete comfort with being humbled (not that it was easy but rather) b/c of his understanding his place with God, his identity was secure. he didn't grasp at his position. despite being lowered to humanity he knew who his Father was. what submission is, is knowing one's place (piety) and being secure in that place, but its also a matter of the heart. the attitude of my heart is the underlying foundation of this whole submission thing. is it like Christ's attitude? some other neat verses to help find out this attitude of godly submission: Eph. 5:15-24 and Col. 3:12-17.

fly lady

well i've done it. i have joined flylady. i am decluttering my home and my life. i havn't even shined my sink yet. but the shere satisfaction i had of setting my timer for 15 min and getting rid of anything in my dining room, living room and kitchen that isn't a blessing to my home was AWESOME!! i am still working on the kitchen and i havn't even begun our rooms or the basement. but its all about babysteps. by the time i get my routine going each morning and evening i will only have to actually do 3 hours of housework a week. and there won't be any clutter. hot spots of junk will be lord willing non-existent. i won't feel this nagging, sagging guilt that i need to dejunk when really all i do is get overwhelmed, move the junk around, repile it and then feel that no real work has been done at all - failure will be no more. my perfectionism is going out the window. i am armed with my 15 min and a bag. this unwanted clutter - the unwanted houseguest - will be no more. and i will FLY - or Finally Love Yourself (or myelf!).

stay tuned for further rantings, ravings and explaimations of gratitude for my new cleaning/orgnanization regimen.

thank you amy for lending me the books!

oops

by the way - liz's wonderful sons are jack (2 1/2 years) and will (1 year). they are going to teach ransom all about trucks and dinosaurs.

my new friends

i wanted to write about my new friends: liz and amy. actually amy is not a "new" friend. i met her when we were first moved and i was walking with the kids from our home to first pres for sarah circle (bible study). she also attends this group and she had her two girls in tow. they are olivia (3) and maya (nearly 3). the most amazing thing about amy is that she knows my friend bev hall who is better known as jama to our family. we go way back. jama is susan sjolund's mama. susan is my mom's best friend and wife of karl. karl was the admissions counselor at virginia episcopal school (my h.s.) and our first christian connection down in lynchburg back when my family lived in amherst. susan and karl's girls were our flower girls. they are twins and i babysat them when they were just babies (actually from preemies to elementary school) while i was in high school and college. susan grew up in portsmouth. jama leads scrapbooking meetings. amy goes to those meetings - yep six degrees of seperation for amy on aquidneck island. ps - amy is my resident expert for all things island. you need a nice florist, gourmet bakery, doctor, seafood market - amy is the woman to go to. & she reminds me of susan too! which is a huge compliment!

then there is liz. i met her through amy, of course. she and amy and i are all in the mom's club. which i really think is the greatest thing since sliced bread. hello - friends and activities so we aren't going to shrivel up and die in our homes with peanut butter mashed to our foreheads. yes mamas have social circles too. its great. so anyway. liz goes to our church too. and she has two little boys who are awesome and she is from the south - so of course she has incredible hospitality. and did i mentions that she is an incredibly strong woman. she is a single mom who is bravely stepping out into a new life and seeking wholeness in every sense of the word. i am so blessed to know her. she is genuine and supportive.

thursday nights we have decided to all go to a yoga class and then dinner afterwards. this week was our first week. we went to salvation cafe (which got its name for all of their decor originally from the salvation army). its awesome. asian fusion meets california cool. i had a sangria. very yummy. anyone who visits me is going to have to go to this place. we had a blast. the next time, liz is making thai curry for us. yummo!!

so this sat liz and i met for breakfast at my new favorite breakfast joint - the Atlantic Grill right by first beach. it rocks. then we went and go our nails and toes done. clearly we were pampering ourselves. its an investment.

without going into too much detail these two ladies are hilarious. we laugh a lot. they are real. their kids are pleasant to be around - but are oh so normal. they love jesus and being mamas. we are starting a books at the beach club together. i am going to play bunco with a group, which includes them too. this month it was at liz' home but g and i were out on a double date. jesus is meeting my needs. bringing me a healthy community to be around. we are all learning to give, extend and recieve grace as we navigate the waters of beings moms, childrearing and life.

Sunday afternoon stir crazy

today was sunday and after church we always take naps. but ransom wakes up before everyone else so by 4pm he was wanting to eat his dinner and i was up of course:) we went downstairs and after feeding him green beans and realizing that he wanted to do other things besides sit in his play pen while i de-cluttered my area (which has overtaken the wet bar) it was outside for mama and baby boy. its gray and a bit spitty outside but not too cold, rather mild. i wore flip flops but put on my barn coat just in case. my goal was to walk downtown and grab some fresh air and an iced coffee which is my newest beverage of choice. what i have come to realize is that i love the outdoors (i love moving and movement - these are things i am learning as going to the ymca becomes part of our life). so i was totally loving just the being part of walking outside. it felt good. the cool, moist air felt good. ransom was happy to hear the birds and take in all the surroundings. the chinese magnolias, pears and azaleas are blooming now. and eventhough we have had about 3 sunny days in the last few weeks (and maybe 2 of those were warm), just to see the gorgeous blossoms is enough for me. they are praising the lord and it is a glorious site. so this sunday we have rested. we have tried to quiet our hearts. can one do that with little ones? maybe i can quiet my heart tonight with the word.